Changes a coming

Life is so up in the air fam. I did find out today that I got this job in California. Its out in Humboldt Bay which has been deemed gorgeous by anyone I ask. I have a few weeks to think about it. If I say yes I would Start July 1, which means I would move sometime in early June.

I really need to sit and think about this for a bit because its pretty big and life changing, if I do it will be for at least 2 years. School would need to be finished within those 2 years and I guess the rest will work out from there.

I have been trying to put money away in anticipation for this event. In the next few short weeks I will know for sure whether or not my life will be picked up and moved 3,000 miles away. It sounds fun, seems fun. But is really intimidating and nerve racking.

Changes?

Slowly but surely my life is changing ever so slowly again and again. I still work a lot and am over school. That will never change.

The economy is in the shitter and I bet huge civil unrest is just around the corner in this country, soon we will be living like Mad Max. Who wants to go start standing in soup lines? I am ready.

I got a phone call today, I may be relocating in June I will find out for sure within the next week or two. Its rather exciting. I am picking up my new glasses in a little while when my laundry is done drying and thats it.

I am pretty god damn boring

hmmm

been 52 days sober, school sucks, working a ton of over time, had the week off from school so i did 1 week of my 2 weeks of required yearly drill because my unit rules like that, trying to get back onto active duty in the coast guard, found it its near impossible because the economy eats ass so no one is getting out and some funding got cut, still attempting to get back in though and using all my available resources, talked to a navy recruiter about maybe joining them, considered the army for about 5 minutes until i thought about pooping in a box in the desert.

thats about it oh and i think dr. pepper has either crack or heroine in it because i dont normally drink soda but i cant seem to get enough of the dr

Its been a while, and I dont know what to think anymore. I have really been trying to get everything in my life right, sorted out. The harder I try to more I fail it seems.

I have been really trying to change everything about me. Well not everything just the way I handle things and do things for myself. I have been eating a lot better, exercising more and gave up drinking (36 days now). I am not sure if its working against or for me. All of these things I am doing.

Life is busy and learning to manage time is a pain in the ass sometimes. I have been working quite a lot of over time lately leaving myself generally one day a week off which is really starting to get old. But scrill is scrill and I need the money. My one day off isnt even really a day off. I have a night class so I spend most of the day doing laundry, catching up on school work and bills.

I put in my paper work four months ago to go back on active duty in the Coast Guard. I just found out yesterday that it had been fully approved and made it to the detailer (person who sends orders to different units). I guess I should hear something by the end of next week. I think getting out of the area again will be the best thing for me. The 6 years I was gone were the most stress and worry free years for me. Since I had moved back to Albany 2 1/2 years ago its been pretty chaotic, stressful and emotionally draining. I feel like my life has been sucked right out from me and I just want that refreshing feeling again. I had that refreshing feeling with my ex, she made me feel loved and appreciated. She wanted to share her life with me and I screwed it up. Go figure I suppose. I tried to mend the wounds and fix it but some of the wounds are deeper than you could imagine.

I feel a little lost and unstable in my future and I just want one thing to be definite and secure. I am grasping at everything and not really able to get a grip. School is draining me, my job wears me thin and stresses me out. I see so much death at work that at times I dont even bat an eye at it while other times I come home and think about it all night and cant sleep. I see lives flipped upside down in an instant while others end just as fast as they started. I see families mourning over loved ones we cant save for them. Thats the hardest part. Last night I watched a woman in her mid 50's watch us work on her husband for about an hour, round after rounds of drugs and cpr every time we thought we got his heart beating it would stop and there was virtually nothing we could do. Watching this woman fall to her knees asking why, crying, and pleading it really got to me, it made me wonder when I will be in that exact position and I wondered if all of this "exposure" to it will make me handle it differently. Will I just act as if nothing happened? Will I be numb to the whole situation while other people are in tears? The only thing I have learned is that in life and death situations is that I can stay pretty calm as do most other people I work with since its something we are involved in every single day we walk into work.

I think the craziest part of my job is watching someone going from breathing, talking, heart beating looking at you to dead in the blink of an eye. I have seen that happen 4 times. 4 times, think about that. In 2 1/2 years of working in the ER I have watched 4 people right before my eyes die. Its fucked up. Not just like someone who was being kept alive on life support until the family says to let them go, or someone who comes in in cardiac arrest, but someone who was walking, talking breathing like you and I just go from alive to dead. I dont talk about what I see at work sometimes because its morbid and most people I dont think will understand it or know how to process it without thinking I am a sick individual. We carry this weight on our shoulders every day, every person I work with walks around with this. The countless people we try to bring back from the dead and the very few we actually do.

I just need something different in my life. I love what I do, I love the people I work with. But I dont know. Its gotten to me a little and its time for a small break I think.

Harry Potters stunt double got blowed up

Well not really, but hurt really bad in an explosion

http://www.mirror.co.uk/celebs/news/2009/01/29/harry-potter-stuntman-suffers-horror-injury-in-film-set-explosion-115875-21079076/

A clearer mind?

So it has been 26 days since I had my last drink. 26 fucking days. I dont think I have ever gone this long in my adult life of drinking which started pretty young at say 17 or so. It feels really good, its an accomplishment of sorts. At this point I feel like I could go the rest of my life with out and I will be ok with that. I chose to stop to really get my head on right and back in between my shoulders instead of in between my ass cheeks, slowly its working every day I smell a little less shit and a little more fresh air.

I had made some bold moves to change things about my life, better myself and possibly the things in my life and the people around me. Time will sort the rest out.

The best I can do now is go head up, feet moving, eyes forward and keep going. I am taking this critical thinking class this semester that I think I will really like. Within the first 2 weeks of class I have made more comments that have offended people or made me look like a complete jerk off than I have made in a long while so I am pretty into it, I enjoy speaking up and getting my peice of mind in I so rarely do it.

"Shotgun Willie sits around in his underwear, biting on a bullet pulling out all of his hair, Shotgun Willie has got all of his family there. Well you cant make a record if you aint got nothing to say"

I really am a super freak fan for Willie Nelson.

Anyway, things seem in shambles at times. With time it will feel a little less like that. I feel like I am still sorting through some rubble from a massive earth quake and each day I find another memory, a piece of a picture, a shirt or a tea pot. Little surprises or reminders that make me remember why.

One day at a time. I guess I dont have that much more of a clearer mind. This little entry shows I am still jumbled and all over the road.

The Last Lecture

So I have been on a big reading kick lately and just plowing through some books. Generally I go with politically driven, history, medical or nonfiction. I tried something a little different, well not too different just the context I suppose. I went with "self help" just the section I got the book from.

Its written by Randy Pausch who was a professor at Carnegie Mellon in Pittsburgh. This book is a reflection on his life and how anything is possible. He was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer and fought it with years even though he knew it claims just about all of its victims he went on with hope to beat it. He was offered to do a lecture at Carnegie Mellon which he took the offer on. At the time he accepted it he wasnt fully sure of how long he had to live because he was still going through aggressive bouts of chemo. Not too long before his lecture he found out he had 3-6 months left. He still put on the lecture and worked day and night to get it right.

Its about how with some dedication and time you can do anything you want as long as you stay focused and work on it, all of your lifes goals can be met. This man did everything he wanted too in his short life. He met "Captain Kirk", published in an encyclopedia, was in an anti gravity chamber at NASA, worked with the Disney Imagineers and so on. Its inspiring and great insight to never really give. It really shows how someone can appreciate their life and there is something to be gained from this read.

Highly recommend this book to everyone. Its a quick easy read but a very good read. He died shortly after his lecture and this is truly a person to admire.

Why do we try the things we do?

"There goes the fear"

Life is a game of trial and error. Always has and always will be. Right now I am in the trial phase of trying to fix my errors. At one point it seemed like that was going to go well, instead it went bad pretty fast. I want it to go good. I guess all I can do is test and re-test, kind of like companies do to perfect their product. I suppose if you want something to work bad enough you will try and try and try until the final product satisfies you and everyone else. Its like the rinse repeat type deal.

"Killed myself when I was young"

I ran, I ruined, I realized, I regretted, I reconciled, I recommended, I relished, I reunited, I regained, I re-lost.

Its funny the patterns we find ourselves in. Right now I am in the pattern of trying to right my wrong, mend wounds, put back together, pick up and super glues the pieces. As of this moment in time that is working against me. Someone once said to me "What good is regretting choices you made and things that happened. You cant get anywhere if you do that" This same someone said we could try to mend our wounds and move forward again, this same person then said forget it just a week and a half later. I am dumbfounded, baffled and quite frankly very lost. Hurt or upset would be putting it lightly.

Its been 19 days since I had my last drink (I know thats not long but its a start). I did it for many reasons. One was to mend old wounds, get a clearer mind and better myself. Well that was 3. Most importantly it was for me. I use alcohol to deal with problems and numb how I feel as many other people do. With that I ruined a good thing in my life and a good person. Now I suffer the consequences of all of that. When I realized this I realized I cant drink or I will repeat the cycle for as long as I live. I became more miserable with each sip and with each sip another would follow so that I couldn't feel or that I would hope I couldn't. Then all moderation was lost and I became a mess. Self medicating is the wrong way to deal with yourself and your problems as I found out the hard way.

"I am the boy your mother wanted you to meet"

Honesty is the best way to solve problems. Or so I was told. What a fairy tale that is. In the "healing" process I put everything out there that I had done, experienced and had happen to me. Well in doing so, being honest worked against me hard. So I guess now I will always lie, cheat and steal to solve my problems instead of being honest. I guess that could replace my drinking issue.

"What a crying shame what we became"

We went from happy and satisfied to bitter and unsatisfied.

Oh life

"The tears we cried dried up yesterday"

When I said I loved I meant what I said. When I said what I felt I meant it. It really did make my fingers tingle. I really thought we could be we.

I meant everything I said and said everything I meant

Stopping the Drink

So its been some days since I last had a drink and its going to be some more until I have another. How many more who the hell knows. At this point it could be never again and I would be fine with that. I need to do me and get my shit straight, fix my problems, get life straight and correct my past so that I can lead into the future and have it the way I like.

This will take some time, effort, energy and support but I think I have all involved that I need. We shall see where this road takes me. So far sobriety has been aiight and I cant complain. Money in the bank, not a head ache in sight, clearer mind and rational decision making. I am kind of really into it.

I feel I chose all of the right intentions to do so too. Better myself, correct what I did wrong, get back what I gave up and almost lost and learn to feel without using booze to feel.

I Guess London gets Down

So apparently in London for New Years Eve people go buck wild. At least this articles leads me to believe that.

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1103843/Boozy-Britains-bloody-New-Year-A-999-seven-seconds-alcohol-induced-mayhem.html


Maybe I should take some foot notes for next year. Hope everyone rang in the New Year safe and happy with people they wanted to do it with