The Letter I Will Never Send

So after our conversation tonight I was left thinking about all the things I said and the things I never said. Call it paranoia, call it fear. Whatever it may be, I just sometimes have a hard time saying the things I want. I try to just let them flow but they hit this wall.

I am trying to take your advice and not worry and know that things are ok. But its part of me. When I care, I worry. Its natural. Or at least I tend to think so.

I guess when you asked me what was happening, where we were at caught me by surprise. Or maybe not surprise. I really don't know what to call it because I knew it was coming, I just did not know whether I was supposed to be claiming you all to myself as mine or leaving it like its been. I just was not sure what to say. Its that fear of saying the things I should not say, but then I say things I should not say anyway. Its just me. I am far from perfect just like everyone else.

I have that problem of trying to be careful about the things I say. Careful in the way of to not sound possessive, I guess its really just a fear of showing emotion which in turn is my own demon that destroys things, more or less just leaves me in the dust wondering what I did wrong and then I figure it out when its too late.

When I told you I was going to think about this all night, I did not want it to be in that typical freaked out paranoid way. But your response of "I knew this was going to happen" leads it into that. Now I am just not sure what to think. I know I am a freak, I think too much, I look into and analyze things too much. Is that not part of human nature?

I know the only way to talk about the things I should be talking about is to be forward, to the point but for some reason I have a hard time with it at times. I stumble over words, stutter and hesitate when trying to spit them out. Its very apparent how I feel. I do everything I can to show how I feel I know that I need to voice how I feel more and it is something that needs work. But I still feel like I am avoiding the topic, even in this letter I will never send.

I have knots in my stomach right now. Thinking about this binds me up. This is the first time in a long time I have felt this good about something/someone and I am terrible at expressing it.

I am not even sure where to go with this. I just feel like I am going in circles here. Just know I really care for you. Your personality is so....well so peaceful, compassionate, caring, gentle, kind, free. Its incredible. I want to keep enjoying it.

This is where I end it.

Sincerely Yours

From the coward who will never send this letter

Health Care in America

Lately I have been doing a lot of thinking about health care in this country and the reform it needs. It is something I had never really thought about until the last year or so. Mainly because I was always covered through my mom and then while on active duty through Uncle Sam.

Now that I have spent the last year with out health insurance and working in an emergency room I really understand the need for universal health care. Every day people get sick or injured and every day a good percentage of these people have no sort of health care coverage. They are left scurrying around after trying to get emergency medicaid, if not that then just the money to pay the hefty bill. Think about this to just set foot in there is some where around $100, if you take an ambulance in they charge you by the mile, a cat scan is about $2000, you come in med flight expect to pay around $10,000. Every day people without health care face these problems. Its scary and sick. That in a supposed perfect, well perfect is an overstatement, but the place people all over the world want to live cant even provide universal health care.

Health insurance companies also decide when you are good enough to go home. They decide your stay has been too long and cut off your insurance, more or less pushing you out of the hospital because they dont see it sufficient or cost effective for you to stay. Unless your case worker or doctor pushes for you to stay. Sick I tell you

Recently the one thing that has really made my blood boil was the proposed $35billiom reform that passed in the senate about a week ago to generate universal health care for all children under 18yrs old in the country. I thought and still think its a fantastic idea, why should a child be denied vaccinations, yearly check ups and doctors visits while growing up. Well GW seems to think its not necessary. Just as fast as this bill was passed he vetoed it. As soon as I had heard this I was screaming in my head, cursing out him and his cronies who back this vetoing. He (the president) had proposed a $5billion spending bill for universal health care for children in America, the senate drafted the $35billion plan which he thought was too much. There is no way in hell there is every too much to spend on a childs health.

In my mind I had thought about sending an email or writing a letter and sending it to DC voicing my out rage to this veto, but I knew it would make no difference. I guess I am a type of defeatist. The reason I was so fired up about this is because it cut into his war spending budget for Iraq and Afghanistan. So lets see "help sick children in our country or keep sending people to die, have their lives put on hold and altered for ever, yep going with the war" I guess I will just never understand this. Maybe my priorities are are a touch different, to me its just so sad when I am at work and I see these kids, innocent kids who are hurt and their parents who can already just barely afford to put food on the table now have to find some way to pay for them to see a doctor.

I would love for this to change for the health care to be offered. But its not only that. For me to be covered since I am a part time employee around school, it costs me $200 a month for insurance while full time employees pay $18 a month. Its like I am being punished. Its insane and reform needs to happen.

This is a topic I could go on about forever it to me is sickening and needs to change.

Oh how life can be awesome

The last month or so has been interesting in my life. Interesting in a good way for a change. Things I never expected to happen are happening.