It is Thursday May 22, On Saturday May 24th I will be back home with the love of my life and I am so excited.

I have one more night to spend on this wretched ship and I am off. We pull into San Diego tomorrow morning. I pack my shit and get the hell off of here. My flight leaves 630am Saturday and by 430pm I will be exactly where I always want to be in my loves arms. She will be in mine. We will be back together again and never have to go through something like this again.

I cant wait.

"I said maybe your gonna be the one that saves me. And after all your my wonderwall"

Such a really good song and Ryan Adams cover of it is amazing. I was listening to it earlier and I began to think about a day Suzanna and I were in my car and I played it for her. I lipped it to myself and imagined my belching out the words too her but I was too shy to do it. We held hands and just admired each other throughout the song. It was a nice feeling. I was just thinking about that and wanted to get it off my chest. I cant wait until saturday. As of 430pm tomorrow we will have 96hours until I get home. I cant fucking wait.

Days like today kill me. I know Suzanna is having a rough day today and I just want to be there to hug her, to kiss her and tell her everything is going to be alright. I want to do that so bad. I cant wait until I get home, I cant wait until I am with her again.

I like the way John Lengend writes. He has passion.

"ive wanted to write a song for a while now and now i have someone to sing about" i think thats how it goes. but that just works and it makes sense he knows what hes talking about.

Suzanna turned me onto him and its pretty damn good.

Speaking of I get home in 6 freaking days!!!!!!!!! I cant wait, i miss the smell of our home, our bed, our everything. I miss her smell, her touch, her kiss her everything. I am so in love with who and what I have in my life. Suzanna puts my head in the clouds. Its the most amazing feeling in the entire world

8 MORE NIGHTS!!!!!!! NO MORE WAKING UP ALONE NO MORE GOING TO SLEEP ALONE NEVER AGAIN!!!!

So here we are. I am in Mazatlan Mexico. This has been quite the expeirence. Yesterday I was searhced my Mexican police at gun point based on the way I look whic was pretty scary, having an assault rifle pointed at your back and pistols pointed at you and not really knowing much spanish while your being pushed against a wall in another country by police can really almost make you crap yourself. But that is enough of that talk.

Last night Suzanna and I spent a long time on the phone just talking, talking about anything. Things we wanted to do, things we have done, people. It was really really nice to just be able to talk and talk and talk to her. It felt so good. I love her so much. After my whole Policia thing here I decided to stay on the ship all day because I didnt want to have an encounter like that again and I knew she would worry. It just wasnt worth the risk.

Anyway in a week and a half I get home. That is the most exciting moment that I am looking forward too. I havent been so excited about something like going home in, well I cant even remember how long. I am excited to be back in the arms and at the side of one person and one person only. She makes me feel so good. Just the sound of her voice creates this euphoric feeling. It is amazing how just the thought of being with someone can take your breath away, that they make you feel that good and you know you love them and they love you back is the best feeling and it really does strip me of my breath when I think about it.

Suzanna turned me onto John Legend, what a great song writer. So full of soul and energy. It is great music to listen to when you want to relax, think, fall asleep or just listen to music. I am hooked, she has me hooked. I am so hoooked on her.

We leave Mexico tomorrow and I cant wait. Because once we leave the next stop is home for me and that is the only stop that matters to me. I dream all day every day of the moment when Suzanna and I first lock eyes in the airport. When we approach each other, that kiss. The thought of that kiss sends chills down my spine. I imagine the drive home, being back in our home together, waking up together, spending the rest of time togehter. She is my everything. I have never had the feelings like I do for her. I look so forward to the rest of our lives. It has never been so easy to picture my future with someone like the way it is with her. She is my future.

So today is another day down. One less to go. Every day I close in on the day I get to be home, the day I get to be back with Suzanna.

I got to talk to her today. She went out to see Max a patient she had at Sunny View who really touched her, his family and him have something very special. A very special bond of love. From everything she told me he is doing wonderful which is great to hear. She said he is going home soon. So we talked about heading out to his home out near Syracuse when he gets out to spend a weekend with his family and him. It was great to talk to Suzanna and hear what a wonderful mood she was in from the visit. So I really look forward to getting to know Max and his family with her because it means so much to her and I want to be a part of everything that is important to Suzanna.

We are currently in Mexico for a few days. We leave Thursday afternoon and its the home strecth from when we leave it is just 8 days until I get home. That has me so excited. I cant wait to be home but more than anything I cant wait to be back with Suzanna. I have never loved and missed anyone the way I do here. It is so hard to describe how I feel about her, no words can say enough. I just count my blessings that I have her in my life.

So I gave myself the option of not having a day off while here just so I can pass the time. I stayed on board today and worked. They tell me to take a day off so tomorrow I am going to get up early, go for a stroll and then come back and work, then on Wednesday I am back on board all day and night on duty and we leave Thursday. So by my calculation that is a lot of working and should pass the time. Then it is back out to sea one last time. One last time for the rest of my life as I never want to go through this again. It is almost over.

Everyday I look to the sky and am thankful that Suzanna is in my life. Everyday I am so happy that I have her. I love her so much and I just cant wait to get home. This has been a true test a very hard test, but through it all I know how much I love her.

May 11 2008

So here I am. The weekend is almost over. This means that we have one more weekend to go through. I looked at the calender today and thought to myself, "wow thats it huh by Wednesday we will be at less than double digits in the number of days until I get back to Suzanna."

I got to talk to her briefly today. The sound of her voice was so good to hear. It brought this sense of euphoria over me. I relaxed, I was so tense until I called her. The sound of her voice is something amazing, something soothing. I didnt talk to her for long because she was with her mother helping her out with some things and spending mothers day with her. So I will give her a call later on. We went just about 2 weeks with out talking. By far the hardest 2 weeks. I knew it was going to be hard but we survived. I never want to go through not being able to talk to her like that again.

Tomorrow we pull into Mazatlan Mexico for a few days. We get in sometime in the early afternoon but I am working until god knows when. I gotta catch up on work when we have the fast internet connection. I am off Tuesday, I tried to stand duty for someone but they shot me down saying I need at least one day off so instead I will hang around the ship and continue to catch up on work. I have duty all day and night Wednesday and we leave Thursday and we are on the home stretch. Back out to sea for 7 or 8 days. We pull into San Diego and I finally get to go home. Back to my lover, my heart, my soul, our home, our life. I fly out on the 24th at 6am and am home at 430pm. Suzanna is picking me up from the airport in Providence RI and I cant wait, that moment when we lock eyes, reach for each other, touch each other and then feel each others kiss again. It gives me goose bumps just thinking about it. My goodness I cant wait.

Every day and every night I pray to god to get me home. While i bide my time and wait it out I know it will be soon. I have worked so hard to stay positive through all of this, to show how much I love Suzanna and now I am almost home.

I keep having day dreams of our future, dreams at night of our family. Today I had a day dream while listening to some music. It was all there, it was perfect. The sights; palm trees, white sand beaches, ocean waves, the orange and pinks reflecting off the ocean as the sun was setting, the birds singing, wind whistling, Suzannas eyes locked on mine. It was perfect. I could feel the love, it gave me goose bumps.

My god I cant wait I love and miss her so much.

my god i love her and miss her. please make these last few days go by as fast as you can. i feel like i am sitting in purgatory. my mind is so scattered feeling today. at dinner i dipped my chicken into pudding intstead of the bbq sauce i have. just to give you an idea of where it is at.

but please god just bring me home in one peice safe and sound to my love Suzanna.

Lately I have been insipiried, felt insipired to start writing agian. A lot. every day I write in Suzanna and I's journal. Every day I try to write her a poem, I try to steer away from the typical email and write her a letter. I do it because it makes me feel good, it makes her feel good and it is a beautiful way to express things.

A long time ago, during highschool and a few years of college I wrote a lot of poetry and short stories. I am really getting back into it again. My mind feels free. She has libeartaed a part of me that I love. She has helped me feel again. The best thing in the world. I love her so much for all of that. I feel that I am sub par right now but with some work I will be back to where I was. I cant wait to leave her a poem or letter every day that I write out and stuff into something of hers to find when she goes into her purse, pocket, drawer, car any where.

When I get home in a few short weeks I want to continue to write things for her. I think at that time the both of us will hate email. So I want to hand write things and leave them around the house for her to find. There is no way to really express how much I love her, how much she means to me. But I do everything I can. Everyday when I think about getting home to her and being with her forever I get these butterflies in my stomach, my hands tingle and my mouth gets dry. It is pure love and the feeling cant be beat. I love her so much.

I talked for a while to a guy on board about her today. About the time we ran into each other, the time she texted me, the first time we kissed. Oh it was amazing. All of it. I knew the first time I talked to her I had to have her, I knew the first time I kissed her I had to have her forever.

She truly is my everything.

"ballarena you must of seen her, dancing in the sand. now shes in me, always with me. tiny dancer in my head"

I hear this song and I think of Suzanna. Deciding to ask her to be my wife is the greatest feeling in the world. I cant wait to do it. I get home in 2 weeks and shortly after that time I will be doing so. I cant disclose the information out of fear she may read it here, but she knows I want to do it.

I love you sweetie...

Isnt she beautiful

I miss her so much that it causes physical pain, but the love I have for her over takes that pain. This is all almost over. I just want to sleep for 2 weeks straight just so that I can be home. Once it is over it is over and we will never have to endure being apart from one another ever again.

"The sparkles bubble over and her eyes are like champagne." - Josh Ritter. That line has been stuck in my head for quite some time now. Every time I hear it I think about looking into Suzannas eyes and how beautiful they are, how beautiful she is and how at peace I am in those moments.

I am 17 nights away from being home and back in our bed together with her. That is the moment I look so forward too. The day they we first lay eyes upon each other in the airport after 6 long weeks of being pulled apart. We are put back together just as fast as it happened. I can not wait. I long for that moment. It is the home stretch.

She is the only one I love. The only one for me. We have been talking more about a wedding and a family. Those 2 things I look so forward to with her. I get excited just talking about it. We have the rest of our lives ahead of us and I can not absoluty can not wait for the rest of our lives together.

It was just over 4 weeks ago I found out I was being recalled to active duty. A lot has happened since then. I obviously left for one thing. Which was the hardest thing I have had to do in a very long time for a few reasons.

1) Being I did not choose to or want to be doing this
2) I hate that I had to leave my girlfriend behind my love. That is the worst feeling in the world. Knowing that you have to go and there is nothing. Nothing at all that you can do about it.
3) My life is on hold. My relationship is at a standstill. It is so hard.

The only good that has come out of this is that I am getting to leave very early. I am going home in 19 days. I have been gone for just about 3 1/2 now and will be home in just about 2 1/2 which is a huge relief.

I have learned a lot about myself, about what I want in life and where I want to take my life. I realized that my girlfriend I want to ask to be my wife. I have never been 100% sure on anything in my life as I am to that. I learned to be patient, I learned about all of the mistakes I made. I am left to try to fix them and think about them every day. I hope that I can correct everything that I have done.

I handled things so poorly before I had to go. I just kind of shut off. I did not know what to do. I was so confused, so lost and so hurt. I remember being told by all of these people in the reserves for the Coast Guard that they never got recalled so when I left active duty I went into the reserves to earn a little extra cash figuring it coudlnt hurt. I made it a year and a half and then it happened. I got recalled. The biggest slap in the face, welcome to reality wake up call that I have ever had. It fucked a lot of things up in my life. I left my girl my one love, my job, my family, school and now I have to go home and pick up the pieces. While that is ok to do. I dont mind doing it and fighting for what I believe in, I just know if I had listened to my instinct when I went into the reserves this would have never happened.

I have never fought so hard for something that I believe in as I am now. I believe in my girlfriend and our future together, I believe in a normal civilian life and never having to worry about leaving like this again. I believe in the future Suzanna and I have talked about. I believe in all of this because I believe in love. While this is a hard situation for anyone. I know that it is almsot over and that when it is over. It is over.

So when I get home just a few weeks from today. I have a lot to do. In the first few days that I am home I have a list of priorites.
1) asking Suzanna to marry me
2) Fixing all of my mistakes
3)Going to Boston and leaving the Coast Guard
4) enjoying my summer home with my one true love
5) Taking some summer classes and getting back into the swing of things
6) spending as much time with Suzanna as I can
7) Riding my bike

While I could compile a list bigger than that. Those are top.

I just know that I can not wait to get home