For the first time my job has really come home with me and sat in my mind. After all the things I have seen and experienced 2 within 3 days have stuck with me and I think will never go away.
Saturday afternoon we had a man come in who was in full cardiac arrest so we do what we are paid to do try to save him. So we worked him with all we could. I was on top doing chest compressions. This was a man who had just been discharged from the MICU (medical intensive care unit) earlier in the day. So here we are family watching trying our best to do all we can, after about 20 minutes the son came into the room and this is the thing that I will never forget that will hang with me for the rest of my life. He came into the room put his hands gently around his fathers ankles and said "Oh pop, oh pop, why?" I looked at this guy and just was not sure what to say he then said "Its ok you guys can stop its just his time" after that he reached up and touched my arm and told me that it was ok to stop. Nothing had ever really freaked me out quite like this before and with all the of traumas and family's I have seen in distress this is the one that has been burned into my mind after a year and a half of doing what I do.
The second one was Monday night a man was trying to cross the street and got hit by 2 cars. The man came in, in real bad shape with a lung contusion and possible heart contusion (bruise), because of this it was making it difficult for him to breathe to the poing where he was blue and gray in the face. The doctors decided to intubate him (put a tube down his throat to breathe for him because he was having trouble). When the doctors told him this I finally saw what fear looked like, the look in his eyes was terrifying. Most patients we get that are intubated are not really conscious when this is done and if they are they are so disoriented that they dont realize the intensity of what is about to happen to them. But just the look of fear that I saw was something I have never seen before and is forever going to be implanted in my head.
What I wanted to say about the second man was that I saw what true fear really looked like, there is no way to ever put into words what true fear looks like, you just have to be able to see it to understand it.
The good news is that the man will be ok.
I love what I do and will never stop doing what I do, Emergency Medicine is my nitch the intensity, unpredictability and the amazing things I have helped do and seen done to save lives and better lives is enough to keep me there. But sometimes I am left with some memories that could be used as good or bad.
Loving what you do for a living is truly important and I have realized this with my job. I dont think I could imagine myself anywhere else but the ER of a level 1 trauma center
Wednesday, December 5, 2007
Saturday, November 17, 2007
So I have been really fighting for ideas of things to talk about lately and have been coming up nothing short of dry and still I feel the same. But I know that there are plenty of things I could talk about(veterans day, politics, traumas at work, some other memories of the coast guard, health care, family/life in general). I guess maybe I need to find the words. Right now I dont have them. School, work and drilling for the reserves has been consuming a majority of my time.
Lately I have just been studying more than anything. But I did but the new Deer Tick cd its titled War Elephant, if you want a musical masterpiece I suggest picking this thing up.
I think I might be suffering from a mild case of seasonal depression too. I feel like I am at war with myself. Just a mini war but one at that. Since I had realized that its been getting darker earlier and colder my moods have been shot tie real hit or miss. I am up and down here and there. I dont like it I think I just need to adjust.
I feel so grown up too another weird thing that has happened lately. I dont enjoy drinking or going to bars anymore, I goto bed early to wake up early with tonight exception. Its 1130pm and I have to be up at about 430am. Soon enough, I almost live vicariously through insomnia in some cases.
Lately I have just been studying more than anything. But I did but the new Deer Tick cd its titled War Elephant, if you want a musical masterpiece I suggest picking this thing up.
I think I might be suffering from a mild case of seasonal depression too. I feel like I am at war with myself. Just a mini war but one at that. Since I had realized that its been getting darker earlier and colder my moods have been shot tie real hit or miss. I am up and down here and there. I dont like it I think I just need to adjust.
I feel so grown up too another weird thing that has happened lately. I dont enjoy drinking or going to bars anymore, I goto bed early to wake up early with tonight exception. Its 1130pm and I have to be up at about 430am. Soon enough, I almost live vicariously through insomnia in some cases.
Sunday, October 14, 2007
The Letter I Will Never Send
So after our conversation tonight I was left thinking about all the things I said and the things I never said. Call it paranoia, call it fear. Whatever it may be, I just sometimes have a hard time saying the things I want. I try to just let them flow but they hit this wall.
I am trying to take your advice and not worry and know that things are ok. But its part of me. When I care, I worry. Its natural. Or at least I tend to think so.
I guess when you asked me what was happening, where we were at caught me by surprise. Or maybe not surprise. I really don't know what to call it because I knew it was coming, I just did not know whether I was supposed to be claiming you all to myself as mine or leaving it like its been. I just was not sure what to say. Its that fear of saying the things I should not say, but then I say things I should not say anyway. Its just me. I am far from perfect just like everyone else.
I have that problem of trying to be careful about the things I say. Careful in the way of to not sound possessive, I guess its really just a fear of showing emotion which in turn is my own demon that destroys things, more or less just leaves me in the dust wondering what I did wrong and then I figure it out when its too late.
When I told you I was going to think about this all night, I did not want it to be in that typical freaked out paranoid way. But your response of "I knew this was going to happen" leads it into that. Now I am just not sure what to think. I know I am a freak, I think too much, I look into and analyze things too much. Is that not part of human nature?
I know the only way to talk about the things I should be talking about is to be forward, to the point but for some reason I have a hard time with it at times. I stumble over words, stutter and hesitate when trying to spit them out. Its very apparent how I feel. I do everything I can to show how I feel I know that I need to voice how I feel more and it is something that needs work. But I still feel like I am avoiding the topic, even in this letter I will never send.
I have knots in my stomach right now. Thinking about this binds me up. This is the first time in a long time I have felt this good about something/someone and I am terrible at expressing it.
I am not even sure where to go with this. I just feel like I am going in circles here. Just know I really care for you. Your personality is so....well so peaceful, compassionate, caring, gentle, kind, free. Its incredible. I want to keep enjoying it.
This is where I end it.
Sincerely Yours
From the coward who will never send this letter
I am trying to take your advice and not worry and know that things are ok. But its part of me. When I care, I worry. Its natural. Or at least I tend to think so.
I guess when you asked me what was happening, where we were at caught me by surprise. Or maybe not surprise. I really don't know what to call it because I knew it was coming, I just did not know whether I was supposed to be claiming you all to myself as mine or leaving it like its been. I just was not sure what to say. Its that fear of saying the things I should not say, but then I say things I should not say anyway. Its just me. I am far from perfect just like everyone else.
I have that problem of trying to be careful about the things I say. Careful in the way of to not sound possessive, I guess its really just a fear of showing emotion which in turn is my own demon that destroys things, more or less just leaves me in the dust wondering what I did wrong and then I figure it out when its too late.
When I told you I was going to think about this all night, I did not want it to be in that typical freaked out paranoid way. But your response of "I knew this was going to happen" leads it into that. Now I am just not sure what to think. I know I am a freak, I think too much, I look into and analyze things too much. Is that not part of human nature?
I know the only way to talk about the things I should be talking about is to be forward, to the point but for some reason I have a hard time with it at times. I stumble over words, stutter and hesitate when trying to spit them out. Its very apparent how I feel. I do everything I can to show how I feel I know that I need to voice how I feel more and it is something that needs work. But I still feel like I am avoiding the topic, even in this letter I will never send.
I have knots in my stomach right now. Thinking about this binds me up. This is the first time in a long time I have felt this good about something/someone and I am terrible at expressing it.
I am not even sure where to go with this. I just feel like I am going in circles here. Just know I really care for you. Your personality is so....well so peaceful, compassionate, caring, gentle, kind, free. Its incredible. I want to keep enjoying it.
This is where I end it.
Sincerely Yours
From the coward who will never send this letter
Wednesday, October 10, 2007
Health Care in America
Lately I have been doing a lot of thinking about health care in this country and the reform it needs. It is something I had never really thought about until the last year or so. Mainly because I was always covered through my mom and then while on active duty through Uncle Sam.
Now that I have spent the last year with out health insurance and working in an emergency room I really understand the need for universal health care. Every day people get sick or injured and every day a good percentage of these people have no sort of health care coverage. They are left scurrying around after trying to get emergency medicaid, if not that then just the money to pay the hefty bill. Think about this to just set foot in there is some where around $100, if you take an ambulance in they charge you by the mile, a cat scan is about $2000, you come in med flight expect to pay around $10,000. Every day people without health care face these problems. Its scary and sick. That in a supposed perfect, well perfect is an overstatement, but the place people all over the world want to live cant even provide universal health care.
Health insurance companies also decide when you are good enough to go home. They decide your stay has been too long and cut off your insurance, more or less pushing you out of the hospital because they dont see it sufficient or cost effective for you to stay. Unless your case worker or doctor pushes for you to stay. Sick I tell you
Recently the one thing that has really made my blood boil was the proposed $35billiom reform that passed in the senate about a week ago to generate universal health care for all children under 18yrs old in the country. I thought and still think its a fantastic idea, why should a child be denied vaccinations, yearly check ups and doctors visits while growing up. Well GW seems to think its not necessary. Just as fast as this bill was passed he vetoed it. As soon as I had heard this I was screaming in my head, cursing out him and his cronies who back this vetoing. He (the president) had proposed a $5billion spending bill for universal health care for children in America, the senate drafted the $35billion plan which he thought was too much. There is no way in hell there is every too much to spend on a childs health.
In my mind I had thought about sending an email or writing a letter and sending it to DC voicing my out rage to this veto, but I knew it would make no difference. I guess I am a type of defeatist. The reason I was so fired up about this is because it cut into his war spending budget for Iraq and Afghanistan. So lets see "help sick children in our country or keep sending people to die, have their lives put on hold and altered for ever, yep going with the war" I guess I will just never understand this. Maybe my priorities are are a touch different, to me its just so sad when I am at work and I see these kids, innocent kids who are hurt and their parents who can already just barely afford to put food on the table now have to find some way to pay for them to see a doctor.
I would love for this to change for the health care to be offered. But its not only that. For me to be covered since I am a part time employee around school, it costs me $200 a month for insurance while full time employees pay $18 a month. Its like I am being punished. Its insane and reform needs to happen.
This is a topic I could go on about forever it to me is sickening and needs to change.
Now that I have spent the last year with out health insurance and working in an emergency room I really understand the need for universal health care. Every day people get sick or injured and every day a good percentage of these people have no sort of health care coverage. They are left scurrying around after trying to get emergency medicaid, if not that then just the money to pay the hefty bill. Think about this to just set foot in there is some where around $100, if you take an ambulance in they charge you by the mile, a cat scan is about $2000, you come in med flight expect to pay around $10,000. Every day people without health care face these problems. Its scary and sick. That in a supposed perfect, well perfect is an overstatement, but the place people all over the world want to live cant even provide universal health care.
Health insurance companies also decide when you are good enough to go home. They decide your stay has been too long and cut off your insurance, more or less pushing you out of the hospital because they dont see it sufficient or cost effective for you to stay. Unless your case worker or doctor pushes for you to stay. Sick I tell you
Recently the one thing that has really made my blood boil was the proposed $35billiom reform that passed in the senate about a week ago to generate universal health care for all children under 18yrs old in the country. I thought and still think its a fantastic idea, why should a child be denied vaccinations, yearly check ups and doctors visits while growing up. Well GW seems to think its not necessary. Just as fast as this bill was passed he vetoed it. As soon as I had heard this I was screaming in my head, cursing out him and his cronies who back this vetoing. He (the president) had proposed a $5billion spending bill for universal health care for children in America, the senate drafted the $35billion plan which he thought was too much. There is no way in hell there is every too much to spend on a childs health.
In my mind I had thought about sending an email or writing a letter and sending it to DC voicing my out rage to this veto, but I knew it would make no difference. I guess I am a type of defeatist. The reason I was so fired up about this is because it cut into his war spending budget for Iraq and Afghanistan. So lets see "help sick children in our country or keep sending people to die, have their lives put on hold and altered for ever, yep going with the war" I guess I will just never understand this. Maybe my priorities are are a touch different, to me its just so sad when I am at work and I see these kids, innocent kids who are hurt and their parents who can already just barely afford to put food on the table now have to find some way to pay for them to see a doctor.
I would love for this to change for the health care to be offered. But its not only that. For me to be covered since I am a part time employee around school, it costs me $200 a month for insurance while full time employees pay $18 a month. Its like I am being punished. Its insane and reform needs to happen.
This is a topic I could go on about forever it to me is sickening and needs to change.
Tuesday, October 2, 2007
Oh how life can be awesome
The last month or so has been interesting in my life. Interesting in a good way for a change. Things I never expected to happen are happening.
Sunday, September 23, 2007
All In A Days Work
After today I really think I can say I have seen it all. Today was an interesting day at work. Some how it was like horses went on revenge against man today. Today we had some crazy traumas. Working in an ER of a Level 1 Trauma Center has really changed the way I look at a lot of things, especially about how much every single person takes life for granted. At least until they almost meet their maker.
I did when I was 16, I was closer than I care to ever be again. In fact I was in full cardiac arrest. This is something my mom never told me until last year. She said I was better off not knowing. Her telling me 9 years later, well I kind of thank her for that. But it really has changed my perspective. Even up until the moment I found out I had always known that I almost bit the dust and that was enough to change the way I looked at things. I guess thats maybe why I am in nursing school and working in an emergency room. There is some sort of sick satisfaction I get out of the rush of it, the gore but also the helping. We get the worst of the worst and try to fix them. Some shit is really scary that goes on down there and I am left with stories for a life time.
But back to the beginning of this whole thing. The horses went on revenge day. So today we had a lot of people hurt on horses, hurt real bad. We had a guy riding his motorcycle who hit a horse and carriage, this man was in very rough shape all ribs...broken, blood pressures were unstable, ruptured aorta. I mean this man was on his death bed, I hope he made it out of the OR.
Then we had a man who was riding his horse. His horse decided to throw him off and stomp on his head. I think this guy is going to be ok though. From what I hear and saw he looks like he should be.
Then we had lady on horse, horse gets spooked, horse throws lady off and lands on top of her, crushing her chest and damaging some internal organs. After a short stint in the hospital she should be ok.
Next....lady on horse, horse throws her off. Lady breaks her arm in 2 spots, goes to get up and gets mule kicked by the horse then breaking some ribs.
Thats not even the worst of it. We had a really bad trauma about 10 minutes before my shift ended which of course ended up keeping me there a little later than I had intended. This was a 20 year old girl. She was riding a quad and flew over the handle bars at about 30mph with her face taking the blunt of the impact. She had no helmet on. So imagine that. It was pretty bad, when I see things like this it does from time to time haunt me in my sleep even when I am awake I sit and think about it. Especially at an age like 20. Its so young. I remember being 20 and thinking I had seen it all, done it all and knew it all. Here I am now almost 27 and every day since 20 have seen more, learned more and done more. I really have this image of her stuck in my head and I can not shake it. Mainly because it was the last thing I saw before leaving work
Today was a different day. Usually get get a lot of shootings, stabbings and assaults. Instead today it was a lot of tragic interruptions to peoples lives who were out doing not wrong but enjoying a gorgeous day. Today I was again reminded about how quickly your life can change at the drop of a hat.
It is on days like today that I at times think about turning to the bottle to forget about it, but then I remind myself that after the bottle is gone and I wake up it will still be there, so why bother. Instead I sit down and share the stories. Not to be some sick fuck or to try to make my job seem so crazy but to remind the people I care about, that they should always remember that it can happen to anyone so enjoy what you have.
and to end this quote just seems to fit.
This is from a song by Alexi Murdoch called Breathe
"And all the suffering that you've witnessed
And the hand prints on the wall
They remind you how it's endless
How endlessly you fall"
Good night
I did when I was 16, I was closer than I care to ever be again. In fact I was in full cardiac arrest. This is something my mom never told me until last year. She said I was better off not knowing. Her telling me 9 years later, well I kind of thank her for that. But it really has changed my perspective. Even up until the moment I found out I had always known that I almost bit the dust and that was enough to change the way I looked at things. I guess thats maybe why I am in nursing school and working in an emergency room. There is some sort of sick satisfaction I get out of the rush of it, the gore but also the helping. We get the worst of the worst and try to fix them. Some shit is really scary that goes on down there and I am left with stories for a life time.
But back to the beginning of this whole thing. The horses went on revenge day. So today we had a lot of people hurt on horses, hurt real bad. We had a guy riding his motorcycle who hit a horse and carriage, this man was in very rough shape all ribs...broken, blood pressures were unstable, ruptured aorta. I mean this man was on his death bed, I hope he made it out of the OR.
Then we had a man who was riding his horse. His horse decided to throw him off and stomp on his head. I think this guy is going to be ok though. From what I hear and saw he looks like he should be.
Then we had lady on horse, horse gets spooked, horse throws lady off and lands on top of her, crushing her chest and damaging some internal organs. After a short stint in the hospital she should be ok.
Next....lady on horse, horse throws her off. Lady breaks her arm in 2 spots, goes to get up and gets mule kicked by the horse then breaking some ribs.
Thats not even the worst of it. We had a really bad trauma about 10 minutes before my shift ended which of course ended up keeping me there a little later than I had intended. This was a 20 year old girl. She was riding a quad and flew over the handle bars at about 30mph with her face taking the blunt of the impact. She had no helmet on. So imagine that. It was pretty bad, when I see things like this it does from time to time haunt me in my sleep even when I am awake I sit and think about it. Especially at an age like 20. Its so young. I remember being 20 and thinking I had seen it all, done it all and knew it all. Here I am now almost 27 and every day since 20 have seen more, learned more and done more. I really have this image of her stuck in my head and I can not shake it. Mainly because it was the last thing I saw before leaving work
Today was a different day. Usually get get a lot of shootings, stabbings and assaults. Instead today it was a lot of tragic interruptions to peoples lives who were out doing not wrong but enjoying a gorgeous day. Today I was again reminded about how quickly your life can change at the drop of a hat.
It is on days like today that I at times think about turning to the bottle to forget about it, but then I remind myself that after the bottle is gone and I wake up it will still be there, so why bother. Instead I sit down and share the stories. Not to be some sick fuck or to try to make my job seem so crazy but to remind the people I care about, that they should always remember that it can happen to anyone so enjoy what you have.
and to end this quote just seems to fit.
This is from a song by Alexi Murdoch called Breathe
"And all the suffering that you've witnessed
And the hand prints on the wall
They remind you how it's endless
How endlessly you fall"
Good night
Friday, September 21, 2007
Lifes wacky things
So today as I was leaving school I called my mother to discuss current things in my life. Mainly about my desire to move and about the apartment I looked at, which I am really considering taking.
During our conversation she told me that my aunt found out yesterday that she has breast cancer. Pretty scary stuff. Now my reaction was pretty uh, I guess for a lack of words cold would be the best answer. Not because I dont care, but more or less of what are you supposed to say to that? I mean am I supposed to be sympathetic and all like "oh wow that sucks, thats too bad blah blah". I dont think I am supposed to because we all know it sucks, we all know its scary, we all know the route of treatment sucks. There is nothing pleasant about cancer.
Pretty much it is stage one, the earliest stage, the beginning. The easiest stage of cancer to treat. Usually this involves some minor surgery and some other forms of treatment via medicine. I have enough faith in research, technology and medical advancements to know that things will be ok.
From this point on it is just wait and see.
On another note. Never ever get out of bed and then say to yourself "I can lay back down for 5 more minutes, just 5 more" Because it never happens! Its more like 45 minutes and then you are late.
I have more things I wanted to ramble about but ADD took over and I am craving a baconator right now. I swear god created those things because he loves man kind so much.
So for now....Over and out
During our conversation she told me that my aunt found out yesterday that she has breast cancer. Pretty scary stuff. Now my reaction was pretty uh, I guess for a lack of words cold would be the best answer. Not because I dont care, but more or less of what are you supposed to say to that? I mean am I supposed to be sympathetic and all like "oh wow that sucks, thats too bad blah blah". I dont think I am supposed to because we all know it sucks, we all know its scary, we all know the route of treatment sucks. There is nothing pleasant about cancer.
Pretty much it is stage one, the earliest stage, the beginning. The easiest stage of cancer to treat. Usually this involves some minor surgery and some other forms of treatment via medicine. I have enough faith in research, technology and medical advancements to know that things will be ok.
From this point on it is just wait and see.
On another note. Never ever get out of bed and then say to yourself "I can lay back down for 5 more minutes, just 5 more" Because it never happens! Its more like 45 minutes and then you are late.
I have more things I wanted to ramble about but ADD took over and I am craving a baconator right now. I swear god created those things because he loves man kind so much.
So for now....Over and out
Wednesday, September 19, 2007
riot in the streets
So about 30 minutes after my last post here a riot ensued on my street. It was pretty insane. About 300 kids from Albany High brawling. We asked our neighbor who goes there what started it he told us that it was just something that spilled out of school. It looked more like the Hoover Damn had exploded.
So to say the least it was interesting. Lots of cops, fire trucks, under covers, ambulances and even a few feds were wandering around.
We sat on our stoop and just watched it all unfold. Once the cops really tried to break it up there was a sea of people running down our street. The best line I heard all day was from one cop who was chasing these kids with his baton drawn just screaming "thats right run boys runnnnn!" Shortly after that a girl running full speed tripped over her own feet and fell face first into a car. Unfortunately I began laughing my ass off about this. Maybe it was not so unfortunate. Who knows. So I guess this spilled over into Arbor Hill and backed up traffic for quite some distance.
I did hear sirens going for about an hour straight so this went on for a while.
I tried to get some pictures but this is the best one I got and this is when people began to run
And yea some people even decided to kick it on our stoop
Crazy kids I tell ya
So to say the least it was interesting. Lots of cops, fire trucks, under covers, ambulances and even a few feds were wandering around.
We sat on our stoop and just watched it all unfold. Once the cops really tried to break it up there was a sea of people running down our street. The best line I heard all day was from one cop who was chasing these kids with his baton drawn just screaming "thats right run boys runnnnn!" Shortly after that a girl running full speed tripped over her own feet and fell face first into a car. Unfortunately I began laughing my ass off about this. Maybe it was not so unfortunate. Who knows. So I guess this spilled over into Arbor Hill and backed up traffic for quite some distance.
I did hear sirens going for about an hour straight so this went on for a while.
I tried to get some pictures but this is the best one I got and this is when people began to run
And yea some people even decided to kick it on our stoop
Crazy kids I tell ya
Key West
So while living in Key West having the time of my life is the least I could say about it. I had started a whole new life. An interesting life, well not so much interesting but different. How many people at 21 were living in Key West in their life.
My life had turned into something different while living there. Different in the fact that I started all over with new friends and unfamiliar places, well some what familiar since I had been visiting a few times a year since I was 12. But different in the aspect that 2 weeks after my arrival I would not be leaving this time.
So here I am 21 naive and inexperienced in life. A college drop out who ran away from commitment because I was scared. So I did the most drastic of all. Changed my entire life. Left friends, girlfriend and family. Granted I had some family there but not the amount I had back in New York. The first few months there were spent like the first few months any person spends after moving to a new place. Pretty alone and a lot of time with my father, catching up on the last 14 years of our lives that had been lost. During this time it gave me a chance to really think about myself and my life to kind of maybe point it in some direction. What a good laugh that was while I was in Key West I lost all direction.
So I spent a couple of days a week helping out my dad however I could at the restaurant and couple more days a week working part time at the local skate park. When I was not doing that I was out on the boat fishing, swimming or in my friend Josh's back yard fishing smoking weed and drinking. It was real easy to get distracted down there. The paradise of living on a tropical island but still in the U.S. was very surreal.
This whole story eventually becomes very repetitious. Its a small island with limited things to do. So day to day I worked, partied and went fishing and really that was all there was too it. Not much more than that.
Now that this bland part of the saga of my life is out there I am going to call it a day and get back to some school work that has some very much needed attention
My life had turned into something different while living there. Different in the fact that I started all over with new friends and unfamiliar places, well some what familiar since I had been visiting a few times a year since I was 12. But different in the aspect that 2 weeks after my arrival I would not be leaving this time.
So here I am 21 naive and inexperienced in life. A college drop out who ran away from commitment because I was scared. So I did the most drastic of all. Changed my entire life. Left friends, girlfriend and family. Granted I had some family there but not the amount I had back in New York. The first few months there were spent like the first few months any person spends after moving to a new place. Pretty alone and a lot of time with my father, catching up on the last 14 years of our lives that had been lost. During this time it gave me a chance to really think about myself and my life to kind of maybe point it in some direction. What a good laugh that was while I was in Key West I lost all direction.
So I spent a couple of days a week helping out my dad however I could at the restaurant and couple more days a week working part time at the local skate park. When I was not doing that I was out on the boat fishing, swimming or in my friend Josh's back yard fishing smoking weed and drinking. It was real easy to get distracted down there. The paradise of living on a tropical island but still in the U.S. was very surreal.
This whole story eventually becomes very repetitious. Its a small island with limited things to do. So day to day I worked, partied and went fishing and really that was all there was too it. Not much more than that.
Now that this bland part of the saga of my life is out there I am going to call it a day and get back to some school work that has some very much needed attention
Tuesday, September 18, 2007
Putting it all together or so I think
So I am sitting here watching Rock of Love on VH1 pondering the things that people would do for "love" or "money", take it as what you want. It just blows my mind. How far out people would go for the big word. Or is it for the money? I guess thats beside the the point, maybe it was just a good opener for whatever it is that is going to spew out of my brain and onto this page. A little thought to start with, mainly about how ridiculous that show and most any shows in this theme are.
Anyway I have been sitting here tonight doing what I have become very professional at, procrastinating. During my 4 hours of procrastination (I suppose this could tie into it) I began think about my life and how its changed over the last 5 or 6 years. But not only how its changed but where it has went and where its going. A lot of things have changed about me. As a person I have grown in so many ways. Maybe thats not even why I started this thing. I don't want to talk about myself but more about the things that I have seen, the things that have made me change in my life. So I guess it is about me. But more so about all of the crazy events, experiences and people I have crossed in the last 5 or 6 years of my life that have helped me change. A lot of people have come in gone in my life, new friends, old friends, girlfriends, ex girlfriends, comrades. So lets take this from the beginning and go back to the winter of 2001.
So here we are a fresh 21 year old, on my way of flunking out of college. Its my junior year and I am no longer sure about what I want to do with my life. Day by day I begin to realize that I no longer want to pursue a degree in history, but yet I am so sure of what I really want in my life. At the time I felt trapped. I was living with a girl who well. I felt pressure from the pressure of that we are supposed to get married. I knew that was not what I wanted but she almost knew that was what she wanted. Maybe I got scared or maybe I got smart? Its really tough too say. At an age like 21 a life long commitment to a degree that you are unsure of and a marriage you are scared to death of, what to do?
This is what I did, this is how I handled it. I one day decided all in this area, the job, the college I dropped out of, the girl I was dating. They were not for me. So I did what any confused 21 year might do in that situation. I headed for the hills. Except these hills were almost 2,000 miles away. To me it seemed to be the only way to not feel trapped. Trapped by my own decisions. I called my father and told him I needed out. The outage could not have come at a more opportunistic time , my fathers business partner had just skipped the country because of some trouble he had gotten into, my little sister was only 2 years old at the time. So with his schedule my help was needed. So the decision was made I was moving to Key West.
Fast forward a few months. I arrive into Key West and am thrown face first into the act of helping run a restaurant with my father. It was learn from mistake and follow by action time. That is exactly what I did. I learned hands on how to run a bar and grille. Oh and did I mention raise my little sister.
Well this is where I stop tonight. I hope my abrupt ending to this story keeps you coming back but also me coming back to keep on keeping on with the story of my life. Mainly I hope to keep your interest.
A few glasses of wine and an empty stomach. What a way to end the night.
Anyway I have been sitting here tonight doing what I have become very professional at, procrastinating. During my 4 hours of procrastination (I suppose this could tie into it) I began think about my life and how its changed over the last 5 or 6 years. But not only how its changed but where it has went and where its going. A lot of things have changed about me. As a person I have grown in so many ways. Maybe thats not even why I started this thing. I don't want to talk about myself but more about the things that I have seen, the things that have made me change in my life. So I guess it is about me. But more so about all of the crazy events, experiences and people I have crossed in the last 5 or 6 years of my life that have helped me change. A lot of people have come in gone in my life, new friends, old friends, girlfriends, ex girlfriends, comrades. So lets take this from the beginning and go back to the winter of 2001.
So here we are a fresh 21 year old, on my way of flunking out of college. Its my junior year and I am no longer sure about what I want to do with my life. Day by day I begin to realize that I no longer want to pursue a degree in history, but yet I am so sure of what I really want in my life. At the time I felt trapped. I was living with a girl who well. I felt pressure from the pressure of that we are supposed to get married. I knew that was not what I wanted but she almost knew that was what she wanted. Maybe I got scared or maybe I got smart? Its really tough too say. At an age like 21 a life long commitment to a degree that you are unsure of and a marriage you are scared to death of, what to do?
This is what I did, this is how I handled it. I one day decided all in this area, the job, the college I dropped out of, the girl I was dating. They were not for me. So I did what any confused 21 year might do in that situation. I headed for the hills. Except these hills were almost 2,000 miles away. To me it seemed to be the only way to not feel trapped. Trapped by my own decisions. I called my father and told him I needed out. The outage could not have come at a more opportunistic time , my fathers business partner had just skipped the country because of some trouble he had gotten into, my little sister was only 2 years old at the time. So with his schedule my help was needed. So the decision was made I was moving to Key West.
Fast forward a few months. I arrive into Key West and am thrown face first into the act of helping run a restaurant with my father. It was learn from mistake and follow by action time. That is exactly what I did. I learned hands on how to run a bar and grille. Oh and did I mention raise my little sister.
Well this is where I stop tonight. I hope my abrupt ending to this story keeps you coming back but also me coming back to keep on keeping on with the story of my life. Mainly I hope to keep your interest.
A few glasses of wine and an empty stomach. What a way to end the night.
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