The Letter I Will Never Send

So after our conversation tonight I was left thinking about all the things I said and the things I never said. Call it paranoia, call it fear. Whatever it may be, I just sometimes have a hard time saying the things I want. I try to just let them flow but they hit this wall.

I am trying to take your advice and not worry and know that things are ok. But its part of me. When I care, I worry. Its natural. Or at least I tend to think so.

I guess when you asked me what was happening, where we were at caught me by surprise. Or maybe not surprise. I really don't know what to call it because I knew it was coming, I just did not know whether I was supposed to be claiming you all to myself as mine or leaving it like its been. I just was not sure what to say. Its that fear of saying the things I should not say, but then I say things I should not say anyway. Its just me. I am far from perfect just like everyone else.

I have that problem of trying to be careful about the things I say. Careful in the way of to not sound possessive, I guess its really just a fear of showing emotion which in turn is my own demon that destroys things, more or less just leaves me in the dust wondering what I did wrong and then I figure it out when its too late.

When I told you I was going to think about this all night, I did not want it to be in that typical freaked out paranoid way. But your response of "I knew this was going to happen" leads it into that. Now I am just not sure what to think. I know I am a freak, I think too much, I look into and analyze things too much. Is that not part of human nature?

I know the only way to talk about the things I should be talking about is to be forward, to the point but for some reason I have a hard time with it at times. I stumble over words, stutter and hesitate when trying to spit them out. Its very apparent how I feel. I do everything I can to show how I feel I know that I need to voice how I feel more and it is something that needs work. But I still feel like I am avoiding the topic, even in this letter I will never send.

I have knots in my stomach right now. Thinking about this binds me up. This is the first time in a long time I have felt this good about something/someone and I am terrible at expressing it.

I am not even sure where to go with this. I just feel like I am going in circles here. Just know I really care for you. Your personality is so....well so peaceful, compassionate, caring, gentle, kind, free. Its incredible. I want to keep enjoying it.

This is where I end it.

Sincerely Yours

From the coward who will never send this letter