Its been a while, and I dont know what to think anymore. I have really been trying to get everything in my life right, sorted out. The harder I try to more I fail it seems.

I have been really trying to change everything about me. Well not everything just the way I handle things and do things for myself. I have been eating a lot better, exercising more and gave up drinking (36 days now). I am not sure if its working against or for me. All of these things I am doing.

Life is busy and learning to manage time is a pain in the ass sometimes. I have been working quite a lot of over time lately leaving myself generally one day a week off which is really starting to get old. But scrill is scrill and I need the money. My one day off isnt even really a day off. I have a night class so I spend most of the day doing laundry, catching up on school work and bills.

I put in my paper work four months ago to go back on active duty in the Coast Guard. I just found out yesterday that it had been fully approved and made it to the detailer (person who sends orders to different units). I guess I should hear something by the end of next week. I think getting out of the area again will be the best thing for me. The 6 years I was gone were the most stress and worry free years for me. Since I had moved back to Albany 2 1/2 years ago its been pretty chaotic, stressful and emotionally draining. I feel like my life has been sucked right out from me and I just want that refreshing feeling again. I had that refreshing feeling with my ex, she made me feel loved and appreciated. She wanted to share her life with me and I screwed it up. Go figure I suppose. I tried to mend the wounds and fix it but some of the wounds are deeper than you could imagine.

I feel a little lost and unstable in my future and I just want one thing to be definite and secure. I am grasping at everything and not really able to get a grip. School is draining me, my job wears me thin and stresses me out. I see so much death at work that at times I dont even bat an eye at it while other times I come home and think about it all night and cant sleep. I see lives flipped upside down in an instant while others end just as fast as they started. I see families mourning over loved ones we cant save for them. Thats the hardest part. Last night I watched a woman in her mid 50's watch us work on her husband for about an hour, round after rounds of drugs and cpr every time we thought we got his heart beating it would stop and there was virtually nothing we could do. Watching this woman fall to her knees asking why, crying, and pleading it really got to me, it made me wonder when I will be in that exact position and I wondered if all of this "exposure" to it will make me handle it differently. Will I just act as if nothing happened? Will I be numb to the whole situation while other people are in tears? The only thing I have learned is that in life and death situations is that I can stay pretty calm as do most other people I work with since its something we are involved in every single day we walk into work.

I think the craziest part of my job is watching someone going from breathing, talking, heart beating looking at you to dead in the blink of an eye. I have seen that happen 4 times. 4 times, think about that. In 2 1/2 years of working in the ER I have watched 4 people right before my eyes die. Its fucked up. Not just like someone who was being kept alive on life support until the family says to let them go, or someone who comes in in cardiac arrest, but someone who was walking, talking breathing like you and I just go from alive to dead. I dont talk about what I see at work sometimes because its morbid and most people I dont think will understand it or know how to process it without thinking I am a sick individual. We carry this weight on our shoulders every day, every person I work with walks around with this. The countless people we try to bring back from the dead and the very few we actually do.

I just need something different in my life. I love what I do, I love the people I work with. But I dont know. Its gotten to me a little and its time for a small break I think.