Why do we try the things we do?

"There goes the fear"

Life is a game of trial and error. Always has and always will be. Right now I am in the trial phase of trying to fix my errors. At one point it seemed like that was going to go well, instead it went bad pretty fast. I want it to go good. I guess all I can do is test and re-test, kind of like companies do to perfect their product. I suppose if you want something to work bad enough you will try and try and try until the final product satisfies you and everyone else. Its like the rinse repeat type deal.

"Killed myself when I was young"

I ran, I ruined, I realized, I regretted, I reconciled, I recommended, I relished, I reunited, I regained, I re-lost.

Its funny the patterns we find ourselves in. Right now I am in the pattern of trying to right my wrong, mend wounds, put back together, pick up and super glues the pieces. As of this moment in time that is working against me. Someone once said to me "What good is regretting choices you made and things that happened. You cant get anywhere if you do that" This same someone said we could try to mend our wounds and move forward again, this same person then said forget it just a week and a half later. I am dumbfounded, baffled and quite frankly very lost. Hurt or upset would be putting it lightly.

Its been 19 days since I had my last drink (I know thats not long but its a start). I did it for many reasons. One was to mend old wounds, get a clearer mind and better myself. Well that was 3. Most importantly it was for me. I use alcohol to deal with problems and numb how I feel as many other people do. With that I ruined a good thing in my life and a good person. Now I suffer the consequences of all of that. When I realized this I realized I cant drink or I will repeat the cycle for as long as I live. I became more miserable with each sip and with each sip another would follow so that I couldn't feel or that I would hope I couldn't. Then all moderation was lost and I became a mess. Self medicating is the wrong way to deal with yourself and your problems as I found out the hard way.

"I am the boy your mother wanted you to meet"

Honesty is the best way to solve problems. Or so I was told. What a fairy tale that is. In the "healing" process I put everything out there that I had done, experienced and had happen to me. Well in doing so, being honest worked against me hard. So I guess now I will always lie, cheat and steal to solve my problems instead of being honest. I guess that could replace my drinking issue.

"What a crying shame what we became"

We went from happy and satisfied to bitter and unsatisfied.

Oh life

"The tears we cried dried up yesterday"

When I said I loved I meant what I said. When I said what I felt I meant it. It really did make my fingers tingle. I really thought we could be we.

I meant everything I said and said everything I meant